Urgency

I'm supposed to be working on some reports for the apartment owners... but my mind keeps wandering. I'm giving up. The reports can wait. I'm not doing a very good job on them anyway, because I keep switching screens and going to my friend's blog. My heart is so full right now. Our good friends, Jon and Stephanie, just lost their baby girl to drowning. I never got to meet her, but being as she was born just one day before our little Ziya, I feel some sort of connection to her.

I got the email earlier today and since then, I've been staring at my kids, giving them random kisses, stroking their hair and between little outbursts of tears, I've been saying lots of silent little prayers. I've also ignored my out of control messy computer desk, my horribly dirty kitchen floor and the unexplained black marks that I need to somehow get off the wall. I let Ziya nurse herself to sleep and instead of quickly putting her in her crib so I could get on to "important stuff", I stroked her hair and sang to her and just watched her sleep. I let Ammon use his soccer dirt filled hands to contort my eyes, cheeks and lips into funny looking faces so that he could get a hearty laugh. Then I did the same thing to him and had a hearty laugh for myself. I joked with Abraham about not being able to carry him because his 44 pounds are just too much for me. Then I flexed my muscles and swung him around and told him that I am super mom and will always be able to carry him because he is my little boy.

I'm the first to admit that I just might have a small case of OCD. The second I wake up (literally!), my brain starts to go through the list of things that I need to accomplish for the day. It often goes something like this: do the laundry, exercise, empty the dishwasher, do the darned reports for the apartment owners, clean that floor, switch out the wardrobes (we can, after all, wear short sleeves now!), bake bread, do the apartment building cleaning, mend the hole in my brown pants, clean the computer desk, pay some bills, make a healthy soup that I can freeze for lunches, post on my blog, etc., etc. I'm sure my list isn't too different than others'. Now though, I'm totally re-thinking my crazy list.

Somebody, somewhere (General Conference, maybe?) in recent months (I think) made a statement that I'm pretty sure was directed at moms. She said something about needing to live in the moment more and needing to focus more on the process of getting where we need to be instead of just hurrying up and getting there (that doesn't make any sense... but it was something like that just in more eloquent words). I remember thinking, "Yeah, right... I'm too busy to live like that!" I hate the fact that it takes the horrible heartache of Stephanie and Jon to make me want to change my list. I hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, my list will sound more like this: make chocolate chip smiley faces on the pancakes, play frisbee and wiffle ball with Ammon and Abraham, sit on the floor and play with Ziya, hold Jacob's hand sometime during the day, work on Ammon's soccer dribbling with him, read a "long book" to Abraham, let Ziya wear some of my lip gloss, accept Jacob's invitation to go on a leisurely walk, order the new camera so we can take pictures of the kids (ours broke) and other urgent things like these.

I'm thankful for the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I'm thankful to know that Jon and Stephanie will in fact get to be with their little Camille once again. I'm thankful to know that my own temple sealing to Jacob also makes my little family eternal. I'm thankful for inspired leaders (even though I don't know who it was... anybody??? I should probably read the rest of the talk!) who teach me to live a more holy life. I'm thankful for the new sense of urgency that I feel tonight.